A few weeks ago, my niece came up to me with lip out in a sad fashion. She said I want a “pee pee in the potty doll” and my dad will not give it to me. I told her she has to write a letter to Santa so he knows. She said she did. I asked my brother what a “pee pee in the potty doll was” and he had no idea. He said she saw it on a commercial but does not know the real name.

So my mom says “I’ll go halves with you on the doll if you can find it.” Unfortunately, I have no idea what that was. I asked my best friend who has 4 kids of her own. A few days later she called me back to tell me it was “Baby Alive”. So we went to Target to go get it and the doll was  $60!! WHAT? For a doll that poops in a potty??? What is the big deal? It was a little chuck-esk also. We ended up getting it at Walmart for $20 less.

I told my mom and she was laughing at all the trouble we went through for this “pee pee in the potty” doll that my neice JUST HAS to have!!

This is fun because in the past we didn’t really know them enough to search high and low for a doll or a video game. In the past we sent money because we didn’t even know the kids at all. This Christmas is a fun one for us!

Fate works in mysterious ways. As fate would have it, God brought my husband to me at a perfect time in my life. I was settled in my apartment with my mom living next door. I was done with the stupid club/bar scene which made me a very selfish person. So I grew up enough to allow someone into my life who would understand my situation and be there for me in a very mature way. I had my mom’s situation on autopilot for a while.

Then it was time for me to get married. At this time my brother came out from wherever it was he was hiding, to help us out. So now I was able to plan a wedding and be a great fiance and welcome my in-laws to the  ”level headed” world of mine (which was not too level-headed 98% of the time).

Now we are trying for a family. Once again as fate would have it, my brother has really stepped up and realized that he does want to help, he wants the Grand kids to know there Grandma, and on the days that I just can not make it to her house, he is there.  As fate would have it, this relieves so much stress off of me, which is the very thing that could prevent me from getting pregnant. As fate would have it, I have the time to concentrate and remember this wonderful time of trying to make a family.

I don’t ever question why things happen the way they do, but just know that someone is looking out for me in a way that is so comforting and supportive. I see all the signs, I am aware of how lucky I am sometimes and I thank God everyday that he believes in me enough to guide me along this journey so I almost never get stuck in the mud.

This is dedicated to my future children. I want him or her to know how incredible women can be. Not only do we do what we need to get done, we take care of everyone along the way. I want him or her to know how incredible their Grandma is. How she raised two children with limited funds and still seemed to give us the life we need. Their Grandma, who worked her butt off for her children. Their Grandma who when things were falling down around her, still managed to put a smile on her face and tell her children things were going to be okay. Their Grandma who with this illness that has her disabled from everything she knows, still has the strongest personality, the funny stories and the caring words to still bring a tear to her kids eyes.

I want my kids to know because of hardships, we appreciate every ounce of life, every gift we get and every breath we receive from God. We are strong people, we have our own minds, we have to take responsibility for our own actions, we must love one another.

I want my children to know that I will never give up on their Grandmother, because for 35 years and counting, their Grandmother has NEVER given up on me.

I want my children to know I will never leave their side for as long as they live. Through this story, I want them to know you can never give up on family.

Yesterday was a little different. Patrick and I decided to be the host this year!! Great idea!! Our first Thanksgiving as the hosts…Pat’s first turkey…my first shot at all the fixings! I’ve baked turkeys before, so I could help Pat out this year too! Around 4pm my brother comes over to eat. We decide that he will take food to my moms house at 5-ish. Basically that was the plan. I made 2 huge plates of food for my mom including pie and Pat’s family cranberry salad recipe, and sent my brother on his way at 5:30 pm.  My phone rings at 6:16 p.m….its my mom wondering who is going to feed her. Immediately I panicked! Did my brother get into a car accident on his way, why isn’t he answering his phone, my mom’s been sitting there starving for some time now! What the heck???? Finally he calls my mom. There was an emergency with his ex-wife side of the family, and he had to pick up the kids immediately. He showed up at my mom’s house at 6:30 p.m.

What makes me sad is that at Thanksgiving I get to share the day with the people I love and family that mean so much, but my mom doesnt. I think it would be so good for her too, but the answer is always no. Last year she said to me “I dont have anything to be thankful for”. And since then, at every Holiday and sometimes on down days, those words repeat in my head.

No matter what holiday, my routine is always the same. Even if I know someone is taking over that responsibility for one day, I am always on “supervisor duty” because if I don’t oversee what happens, it may NEVER happen.  

I do appreciate everything, I do love my life and everything that is in it. I am thankful for the friends I call family and the family I call friends. I’m thankful for the tools that God give me, to make me the person I am today.

I’ve grown up so much over the years that now the thought of giving up on ANYTHING is the furthest thought in my mind. Even on little things…I turned myself into a positive thinker, no matter what comes my way. Not on purpose, but because I had to. The obstacles that life throws at us are always going to be coming. You can go full force and take them as they come in the most positive way possible. You can hurdle over them and hope they do not come back to bite you in the butt, or you can run the opposite way…but those obstacles will always keep coming. I have changed to make my life better, easier and pleasant. I changed my life because of the changes in the world and our lives. I changed because every obstacle helped me see things just a little clearer or taught me somthing that I needed for the next challenge. Pay attention people, pay attention!

I knew my obstacles were going to get harder with every new experience. Every time I move, I’m not only moving myself or taking care of myself. When I got married…I have two people in my life that need my attention in different ways, and different times. It’s a juggle, but I know I can do it because I have to. Because there is happiness that comes from it, because I have a life too. When we decide to have children, obstacles are going to keep coming, but now at full force. My grocery store receipt will read “Adult diapers” and “newborn diapers”. But in the end, these obstacles will bring me to the greatest feat imaginable: a husband, a child, and a mom that is a big part of my life. Sometime people do not experience any of these. I am truly grateful, honored and delighted that God believes in me enough to give me these gifts in my life.

My nephew is now 11 and now has a sister at age 3.

My niece is so funny with my mom. She just is a little helper and it’s so adorable. They both love to share their school projects with my mom and tell her every little piece of their day. When my niece shares her candy with my mom, she MUST feed it to her because in her words “Gamma, I do it, cause your hands are broken”.  I think she likes to be the little mom when she goes to Grandma’s house. My nephew gets her mail and my niece will sometimes take out her trash. We have never asked them to do these things, they just do it.

Those kids are my life. They are such bundles of love wrapped up in little bodies. For them to have that relationship with my mom, means everything to her.

When we lived in PB, I knew that once I get home, I would cook and have dinner ready by about 6:00 pm every day. Sometimes, if I stayed late at work, I would just swing by the store and pick something up. That was how things were for quite a few years. When someone would plan girls night out or friends getting together for dinner, I would pray that the time would be 6:30 p.m. That way I would be GOLDEN! Other times, I would just be late. I use to get so upset, but now its a way of life. Having dinners prepared before hand really has helped. Plus, it took away that extra preparation time because now we just heat and serve!

When plans, events, or trips out of town come up, the first thing that enters my mind is “ok, how can I make this work, strategy, strategy, what can I do to make these outings.” I think of all these things and try to figure it out. It’s like an automatic button that goes off in my head to solve this puzzle.

We are going camping soon and a lot of preparation comes with this.

• Is my brother in town too, just in case something happens?
• Does she have enough groceries for those days, enough supplies?
• My moms landlord has to know, just in case they need to get into her apt. 
• Sometimes I will go as far as giving my dad or Pat’s brother a key, just so that someone else in this town can help while I am away. 
• I make sure we leave the campsite early enough to get back on that last day so I can check on her and hopefully have enough energy to cook her meals.

…oh did I mention, that is when we go away for only 2 1/2 days.

“If its doesn’t feel like work, then it probably ain’t gonna WORK!” - Grey’s Anatomy (Thursday night)

Where am I going with this you ask? Well, if writing helped me so much and is continuing to help me throughout these years, I encourage everyone to start a journal. You really get to know yourself. This tool has been such a blessing…and it’s never too late to start.

In my mom’s situation, writing my thoughts down sometimes brought me to the bigger picture and most of the time I do find my answer. Most of the time I find that peace that I just needed from that release of writing. Most of the time I vent to the right source where no one can hear my words. Most of the time when I read it back, I find myself again.

Just last week I was visiting and my brother said that she has decided to not get up and move around everyday, which she use to do. Honestly, her getting herself breakfast and going to the bathroom to brush her teeth is the most exercise she gets. Time and time again we said “if you stop moving, you could become immobile”. But depression overpowers all of our talks and now she doesn’t want to do anything. So Sunday I confronted her about it. She said that she just doesn’t have the energy anymore and that it takes so long. I told her not to give up. I am afraid that if she stops moving, she will really be unable to move. Things are already bad. This means that someone will have to be there all day, which means a different living facility, which means $$ that we don’t have, which means my mom being TOTALLY unhappy, which means someone else besides me bathing her, dressing her and cleaning up her accidents.

My last words that day were “if you give up, what are me and my brother suppose to do?” Do we continue to try, do we continue to put that extra effort. I’ve been convincing myself ”yes” all through these years, and I guess that is why I keep doing what I’m doing.

If she gives up, do we give up too?

Even though my mom likes things her way, I still managed to cook a little healthier without her knowing. I try and eat organic as much as possible. And since my mom or husband can not tell the difference, they are eating organic too. I throw in steamed veggies and never use any butter.  Growing up my mom use to fry everything! Now they have this oven fried chicken mixture that goes right on your chicken and you bake it. Taste JUST like fried chicken and my mom can not even tell the difference.

Money is tight for about everyone. Shopping smart is something that I learned over time. I try different ways to make things stretch or something I can use on a dinner that I make for my husband, that I can also feed my mom. Oh did I mention my husband is allergic to onions and is a really picky eater. My mom LOVES onions, so a lot has to happen when I prepare for both of them.

1 lb of ground beef goes along way. I use it two dinner but it can be easily stretched to three. Usually, I will make 2 beef dinners and save the extra chuck for the next week (remember not too much of one meat in a week). It’s easy to put into spaghetti or goulash…then stretch it to meat loaf for one. Pretty simple. My mom doesn’t like a lot of beef in her spaghetti so it actually works.

Meat Loaf for one (My moms recipe)

1/2 lb of ground beef (I use organic or all natural)

1 can of tomato sauce

1 squirt of mustard

1 egg

approximately 6-7 Saltine Crackers (smashed up) or 2 slices bread (torn into small pieces)

Salt, Pepper and Garlic Salt

• Preheat oven to 350 degrees
• Mix ground beef, egg, mustard, salt, pepper, garlic salt and tomato sauce in a bowl
• Slowly add the saltine crackers or bread
• Put into a small baking dish and bake for 40 minutes. If you want it quicker, sometimes I put it in the microwave. 6 minutes the first time, check it and then put it in for another 5 minutes. You are working with a small amount of beef, so make sure you check it often.

I’m not the best chef, but I do what works.